Just to Let You Know

Yesterday morning arrived with the best attitude ever and a burst of energy that caught me by surprise. For a few hours I tackled one project after another: dusting, paperwork, tidying…I even opened the blinds to let the sunshine into this otherwise appropriately named “Man Cave” in which I spend most of my days.

I even sang a few bars of some old favorites! Oh to sing again!!  My heart soared!

And then it crashed.

The coughing began a little before noon and continued mercilessly for four hours, intensifying so much that I doubted whether I’d survive. That is, in spite of the ICD in my chest.

Weak and lifeless, I remained in my chair, thankful for its spiritual and physical comfort. Here I am eighteen hours later, still so weak that even tapping this out on my laptop will require a period of recuperation.

I’m not giving up; I’m just resting. And with an open, realistic mind I believe I’ll work on my Last Will and Testament a little more. It’s actually fun to think of giving away all these things I’ve collected over the course of 52 years.

Before I forget…I am profoundly grateful for the snowy view outside my door. Just between us, I wonder if it’s the last one I’ll see.


© Maria R. Conklin and Journey Of A Tired Heart, 2015-2016

If It Must Be, Let It Be Me

After receiving a diagnosis of Dilated Cardiomyopathy – for the second time in my life – I’m struggling to make sense of it all.  I’ve lived half a century on this earth and have no idea how much time is left in my visit here.  There is no need for obsession or regret, and there is no room for cries of “why me?”.  If someone in my circle of life must carry this disease/condition, I would prefer that it be me.  As martyristic as that may sound, there is a simple arrogant logic: I am best equipped to deal with it.

My children are grown adults, my husband is loving and supportive, and I have a great network of family and friends.  I have the chutzpah to push through questionable situations, and the tenacity and strength of soul to manage life in spite of the challenges.  So if it must be, let it be me.

Now to other things:

  • Working on the Last Will and Testament
  • Working on a formidable Bucket List
  • Making an extra effort to show love and understanding to everyone in my world
  • Trying to figure out how to pay bills with no income
  • Forcing myself to move through the intense, unforgiving pain of osteoarthritis
  • Managing stress, guilt, and all the other haunts in my mind
  • Trying to understand, improve, and get a solid grip on, my relationship with God
  • Finishing all the home improvement projects I’ve initiated in this old house
  • Observing and analyzing everything from the simplest pleasures to the most complex algorhythms

I’d love for you to join me on this journey.  The more, the merrier, as they say.  Be forewarned: I am candid to a fault, sappy, soupy, and even superfluous.  And I do use two spaces after each period – old habits die hard.


© Maria R. Conklin and Journey Of A Tired Heart, 2015-2016